Someone Might Be On To Ya Darth

Dear Darth, ol buddy ol pal...

Uh oh... seems like someone might be on to ya!  

Time to whip out the old Death Star!?

The Un-Hingery of Climate Change

Regarding the big World-Wide Rally Against Climate Change.  Millions of people, and in particular school children (the younger the better) will be marching in order to convince the politicians to enact laws that will stop Climate Change before the world is destroyed.

Why does this strike me as so unhinged?

Me:  "So why are you marching?"
Child: "Because the future."
Me: "So there won't be a future if you don't march?"
Child: "I don't know."
Me: "What is wrong with climate change?"
Child: "It's bad."
Me. "Why is it bad?"
Child: "I don't know."

Me: "So why are you marching?"
Teen: "To tell the politicians to stop ruining the planet."
Me: "How do you expect them to do that?"
Teen: "They can tell the corporations to go Green and stop polluting."
Me: "How much will that cost?"
Teen: "I have no idea, but whatever.  The future is at stake."
Me: "How do you know that?"
Teen: "The science.  Just read the science."
Me: "Do you understand the science, actually?"
Teen: "Not really.  But the scientists all agree.  Climate Change is destroying the world."

Note:  This is the actual hinge of the argument.  That the scientists agree that Climate Change is destroying the world.  More specifically, that Anthropocentric Climate Change is destroying the world. Meaning that mankind can and must stop it, because mankind is causing it.

Me: "But hasn't climate changed since the beginning of the world?"
Teen: "Of course, but we're ruining the world and we have to stop it."
Me: "So you're saying that humans are causing THIS Climate Change, and because we're causing it we can stop it?"
Teen: "Yeah, exactly."
Me: "How do you know we are causing it, and not, say, changes in the temperature of the sun?"
Teen: "Its pretty obvious."
Me: "So you can just tell?"
Teen: "Yeah, and the science is out."
Me. "So all the scientists agree on this?"
Teen: "Not sure, but most of them do, at least."
Me: "Do you know what percent do vs. don't agree?"
Teen: "Nope.  Don't care.  The one's that don't agree are wrong anyway."
Me: "How do you know?"
Teen: "It's obvious."
Me: "When did it become obvious to you?"
Teen: "Like when I was eight or nine, I think."
Me: "What convinced you?"
Teen: "We saw a lot of pictures and videos in school about it.  The environment is hosed, dude."

Note: The teachers have been telling eight and nine year olds for decades various (and changing) messages about how mankind is destroying the planet.  In the 70's it was Global Cooling.  In the 80's and 90's it was Global Warming.  Now it is Climate Change.  Same message.  Same scary pictures and videos.

Me: "So this gave you the knowledge you need to decide that man-made Climate Change is destroying the world?"
Teen: "That and the science which backs it up, yeah."
Me: "You know that science doesn't work that way?"
Teen: "What do you mean?"
Me: "Science, or can I say Reality, isn't governed by consensus. Scientists don't vote on what reality is.  They have theories, and those theories often change as experimentation reveals the flaws in the theories.  That's been going on continuously since the beginning of Science, and is still going on."
Teen: "Yeah, ok, I hear ya.  But still, most scientists agree on Climate Change."

Note: The basis on which the March is being conducted has a deep flaw.  People believe the politicians on the left who claim that "the Science is out", and "the debate is over"... when the science is NEVER out, and the debate is NEVER over.  New facts come to light, and change the theories all the time.  But the politicians ignore that, and tell everyone below them to ignore that.  Which they do.  And then we get huge politically motivated Marches by people who believe, but don't really understand.  A kind of worst case scenario in my opinion.  In other words, the leftist Politicians have summoned The Mob, and are using it to coerce their political opponents to capitulate to their demands.

But what are those demands?  And why?

Me: "So we need to stop Climate Change by going Green... but you don't know how much that will cost, yes?"
Teen: "Who cares how much it will cost?  This is important for the earth."
Me: "So you keep saying.  But what if the cost is so great that afterwards you wouldn't be able to pay for it?"
Teen: "Well, the government will pay for it."
Me: "Where does the Government get the money?"
Teen: "They print it."
Me: "If they just print the money, then why do people have to pay taxes?"
Teen: "I don't know."
Me: "When you work, you pay taxes.  When you buy things you also pay taxes.  That money is used to fund government programs.  So when it comes to going Green... you are paying for it."
Teen: "Ok.  Well, anyway, they will make the Corporations pay for it."
Me: "Where do the Corporations get their money?"
Teen: "Um ... ok.  So whatever.  It's the earth.  So what?  We have to save the earth."
Me: "Can we save the earth from climate change?"
Teen: "Of course. If we try hard enough."

This level of stupid can not be blamed entirely on the kids.  They are being told that protesting is going to save the earth because Corporations, and in particular Republicans, are evil and need to be stopped or the earth will be destroyed.  Meanwhile, the kids never stop to ask themselves, and this is where they are culpable, "What if the democrats are just lying about Republicans because they want all the power?  What if Socialism really does end up like Maoist China and Soviet Russia, with concentration camps, mass starvation, and all that is actually evil in the world?  What if this is all really the Democrats just trying to get us to hate and destroy Republicans, and the Republic, so that they can establish an Orwellian IngSoc government that ultimately will not only crush me and my family and our future, but still nevertheless destroy the earth - and more swiftly and more surely than anyone else ever could?"

It is the failure to ask these questions that is at fault among the kids of today.  If they only took a look around, they might just see that.  But so far, nope. No clue.

But through it all and given all of the ambiguities involved, one thing is certain.  This is Darth Vendor's doing.  Fo Shizzle.

Unflattering!

Hey Yo, Darth Dude, what's up n'shit? I just ran across this article and I'm like WOAH! THAT'S HELLAFUCKING UNFLATTERING! I don't know, but if I were described as a "tentacular squid, with his sucker-covered limbs extending into every level of the computer industry" I'd be all over that shit, PRONTO! I don't understand how after they published this outrageous hit piece on you that Wired is even on the Internet at all. I would have thought that you'd have used your Mega Death Star Beam Thingie on them within the first 10 nanoseconds! Dude, I hate to say it, but I think you're slipping. Common. At least Force Choke the shit out of them them or something. Geeze. Sad.  How the mighty have fallen.  *sob*

https://www.wired.com/story/what-microsofts-antitrust-case-teaches-us-about-silicon-valley/

"IN THE TWILIGHT of the 20th century, Bill Gates was well and truly a tentacular squid, with his sucker-covered limbs extending into every level of the computer industry."

"Today’s titans tower over their kingdoms, secure behind their walls of user data and benefiting from extreme network effects that make serious competition from startups nearly impossible. US antitrust laws, written in the industrial age, don’t capture many of the new realities and potential dangers of these vast data empires. Maybe they should."

Seriously ... you gonna let them get AWAY with that?  Daaaaarth... make a fucking move. You know you want to!

Sincerely,
You're favorite fan,
Darth Developer

It's been a while but ...

Dear mutherfucking Darth, how the fucking hell are ya? Hey, man, it's been a while, but I haven't had time to drop you a line due to all the goddam fucking piece of shit problems I've been having with my stupidmutherfuckinggodampieceofshit computer. So I apologize for that.  Sorry bro.  Been busy fixing your shit n'shit.

So anyway, just to catch up a bit, yes, I'm still working on my Big Project (hush hush). Yes, I know it's taking me several more years to complete that I expected. But you know why that is, don't you? Yup. Because your fucking operating system sucks shit, mostly. Yup. That's why. You really left the entire fucking world in the lurch with your shit, didn't you?

Actually, I'm still kinda curious how much you've personally cost the entire world in terms of lost productivity over the past 30 years. I'm going to guess somewhere in the trillion dollar range. Maybe two trillion?  And I'm going to surmise that the cost goes up exponentially every year as people try to build their own crapware on top of your sedimentary mountain of crapware. Good job.

So, Dark Side of the Force shit is working out for ya, I guess, eh? Cool, man! Cool! Happy for ya.

Anyway, my fucking computer needs to be rebooted again, for the second time today because after a few development tasks it kinda slows down to a crawl and screens that are on the task bar pop up and then disappear for no reason and black boxes appear on the screen. Yup. I know. Maybe it's a virus, right? Except why would I get a virus? Because your OS sucks mutherfuckingshit and left me vulnerable to it? Oh. Yeah. There's that. But on the other hand I used all the latest tools on the machine to find out if there is a virus and everything reports that there is none. Rootkit or otherwise. So ... that leaves your stinking-ass piece of shit OS to consider. I wonder what it could be? Gosh. Who knows? There is no way to know, is there? Seriously. Like even your top engineers on the Death Star would have no clue, wouldn't they?  Yup.  I guessed. 

Anyway, I don't mean to bother your lazy fat fucking ass with my problems. I just thought I'd drop a line since it's been a while and I have a lot of free time while trying to close my programs in order to reboot, which takes at least 20 minutes because the machine is so slow (yes I looked in task manager you dumb fuck and there's nothing to see there).

So anywaaaay, I hope all is going well on the Death Star and you're Force Choking all your enemies and listening to the lamentations of their women and shit. I know how you love that. Ok well till next time, toodaloo!

Sincerely,
Your fan always,
Darth Developer

Copy File Forever

Hey Yo, Darth, My DUDE,

How's it hangin there Darth, buddy?   Cooleo!  You da MAN!

Just a quick note this morning since I've been pretty much ignoring all the other shit that your buggy software has been doing lately.  But this one I figure is worth your attention.   Minor thing, but ... anyway, here you go.

This dialog box has been copying my file to the backup USB Flash drive... it's been saying 5 Minutes for about 20 minutes so far.   Dude, you're killing me here.   Can you stop with the fucking "Estimated Time" already?  It's fucking bullshit.   You used to do the right thing, which was show how much of the file was actually transfered and how much is left remaining as the scroll bar.  That was fine.   So it jumped a bit while processing delayed momentarily.  Big fucking deal.   But instead some genius over there (was it you?) decided it would be much crueler and more unusual to have the progress bar just wave back and forth providing zero useful information except for "I'm working on it, maybe".   That kinda sucks, Darth.  Please fix it.   Put back the old way, and it'll all work out fine.  Thanks.

Excel Streaming Code

Here is my Level 5 Code on Excel Streaming.   As you can see it works to send a string to excel through the browser.   The user is then prompted to open or save the file.   You can use HTML to create excel output with formatting such as column colors, and fonts.   Try it out and let me know if it works for you.   It might do the trick to help you if you're interested in how to do this sort of thing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dim strPrintOut As String = BuildOutputString(StoredProcedureName, aryParameters())
                   
Call PrintToExcel(strPrintOut, "MyFirstExcelStreamingDoc", Me.Page)


        Public Sub PrintToExcel(ByVal strPrintOut As String, ByVal FileName As String, ByVal pg As Page)
            Try

                Dim worksheetTitle = ""
                Dim strHeader As String = ""

                worksheetTitle = "WS_" & FileName
                FileName &= FileName & ".xls"

                strHeader &= ""
                strHeader &= ""
                strHeader &= " "
                strHeader &= " "

                pg.Response.AddHeader("content-disposition", String.Format("attachment; filename={0}", FileName))
                pg.Response.Charset = ""
                pg.Response.Cache.SetCacheability(HttpCacheability.NoCache)

                Dim stringWrite As System.IO.StringWriter = New System.IO.StringWriter
                Dim htmlWrite As System.Web.UI.HtmlTextWriter = New HtmlTextWriter(stringWrite)

                htmlWrite.Write(strPrintOut)

                pg.Response.Write(stringWrite.ToString)
                pg.Response.Write(" ")
                pg.Response.End()

            Catch ex As System.Threading.ThreadAbortException

            Catch ex As Exception
                MySession.BC.HandleMessage(ex, pg)
            End Try

        End Sub

Excel on Windows 7

Hey Darth ya old supermotherfucker, how are ya?   All well on the Death Star?  Cool man!  You da best!

Anyway, I thought I'd just send a quick message about my fun experience with excel just now.  I'm running windows 7 and trying, you know, to do some like analysis and stuff.  So I'm using Excel and everything is going great.  Excel is a little bit sucky in that I keep having to remind each sheet that the named ranges are not for different sheets which means I have to niddle around in that idiot fucking Name > Define ... box and give things names like "SLP_BonusA1"  because excel is too stupid to know that I mean on the current sheet, not some other sheet, but ok, that's not that big a deal.  So after an hour of niddling around and all that stuff and finally getting the formatting and stuff right, and everything looks good - excel crashes.

Thanks Darth.  You've done a real bang up job developing the foundations of computer software going into the 21st Century.  So we should all say Thanks Darth!  You DA MAN!

Then we should have a huge world-wide class action lawsuit to recover all the money you cost us in wasted hours spent redoing all of hour shit because you motherfucking software keeps crashing, no matter what the fucking version.  So let me think... I'm guessing that I've lost over the last 10 years about, conservatively, lets say, about a half hour every day.  

.5 x 365 * 10 = 1825 hours.

I pay myself about $100 / hour.

$100 * 1825 = $182,500

Plus pain and suffering for all the gawd damn mutherfucking frustration... I'd say I should get a multiplier for all of that.  What do you say about 2.5?   Sounds fair to me.  

$182,500 * 2.5 = $456,250

Now lets multiply that by all the computer users who use Windows.  Lets see last time I checked Windows had a huge fucking monopoly on Operating Systems world wide... about 90%.  Ok cool.  So lets say that, oh, conservatively, half the world uses computers.  That's about 3 billion people.   So 90% of that is 2.7 billion people.  Let's consider me an average computer user, losing about a half hour a day, every day, on miscellaneous gawdanm shit due to your incredibly effective project management over there on the Death Star.  Ok... here we go.

2,700,000,000 * $456,240 = $1,231,848,000,000,000.00

Oooo neato.  Looks very much to me like you owe the world: 

$1,231,848,000,000,000.00 !!

Yup, Darth.  I just double checked my math in excel and that's exactly right.  Fun!

I wonder if I can find a lawyer to take this case.   Because I'm guessing that the entire fucking world wants to rip you a new one about now, just like I do.   Funny that.   Gee, I guess you might have thought about that 15 years ago before you decided that it was a good idea to just pump your fucking shit out the door without quality controls, and without any consideration for what the entire world would suffer from your stupid fucking bug-festooned software.  Uh huh.  That's rrrriiiiiight Darth you old super-fuck.   All this shit is actually, really, your fault.  Because you were the one who decided that market share was more important than quality.  And this is the result.  Sooooo...

PAY THE FUCK UP YOU DUMB TWAT!

Sincerely,
Your Favorite Fan,
Darth Developer

But wait! There's more!

Ok, so anyway, Darth, I'm pretty sure you're thinking that I'm just ranting and there's no real reason for it.  That's ok.  You may be right.  But let me try to explain this to you so you can judge this for yourself.

So I'm finally I think at the tail end hopefully of upgrading to IIS7 for my project (instead of working on new business functionality).  So I created a new project as an ASP.Net Web Application.  I took all my files and folder by folder added them.   Then I spent three days debugging all the errors that came up.  Ok finally I figured out, without any help from MSDN which was completely useless, that I need to delete all the folders in the Temporary ASP.Net folder (why in the name of the Dark Emperor do you not simply do that when VS 2005 compiles, one would normally wonder - except of course it is a form of torture, so it makes sense).  Ok so I got through all that after three days.  Fine.  But then I notice that now that I finally have all the blue-squigglies resolved, and I can compile and run the site through VS2005, when I make a change to a file... it doesn't appear on the site.  WTF?

Ok well the reason for that, it turns out, is that even though I'm pointing IIS 7 virtual directory to the location on my d drive under Inetpub, the project got created under my USERS > bla bla bla > Projects folder for some fucking reason no one in the universe can understand.  So I then try to point IIS to the wwwroot folder where the project actually changed the file data, but then I get that big gigantit stinking piece of shit error message (see the post before this one).   Um.... Darth, Darth, dear darling Darth... WTF?  

You really just SUCK, don't you?

Admit it.  You SUCK.

Ok, well that's it for tonight.  After three solid days of struggling, fighting, ripping my hair out, I still don't have a development environment that works.   That's great.  You're so fantastic it's hard to explain.  Really. 

Keep up the great work, Darth.  You are Fantastic!

Sincerely, your devoted fan,
Darth Developer

PS - WTF is this?

Hey Darth,

Right, so WTF is that?  Notice that the error is in a Messagebox?  But it's so MUTHERFUCKING HUGE THAT YOU CANT GET TO THE FUCKING OK BUTTON???   Uh huh.  Yup.   That's right, Darth.

Why would you do that?   Is it like you just are too fucking stupid or what?   I don't get it.  You're obviously not that fucking stupid, or you wouldn't be The Great And Horrible Darth Vendor - but then again you did try to jump over Obi-Juan when he had THE HIGH GROUND and got your fucking legs chopped off like a moron, and the Emperor had to fucking build you that noisy-ass breathing-suit and shit, so well, maybe you actually are that mutherfucking stupid.  I don't know. 

Anyway, I think this messagebox kind of clinches it... common, just admit it... your a fucking stupid piece of fucking shit.  Yah?  Can I get an AMEN, BROTHER??  Ok.  That's good.  The road to recovery starts with admitting your a stupid fucking ass mutherfucking piece of goddam fucking STUPID shit.  Say it again.  Ok.  That's good.  Feel better?  Good.

Now, could you go down to the basement and start cracking heads together and using the Force and the Dark Side Lightning and shit on all the fucking morons working for you?  That would be great.   Then maybe we might get one year where your products and development tools don't make developers wonder if it wouldn't be a better life to live their lives up Jaba's skanky fucking ass instead. Ya know?

Ok, anyway, thanks again for all the good work you're doing, anyway.  I really like the translucent window headers in Windows 7.  That's incredible.  And the cornflower blue shading?  Brilliant!!!!!  Now, if you could just spend a tiny bit of time working on MAKING YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING DEV TOOLS WORK... that would be nice too.  Ok so thanks again!  You are the BEST!

Sincerely, your devoted fan,
Darth Developer

Dear Darth #6

Hey Darth,

Just thought I'd check in and see how you're doing up there in the Death Star and shit.   Wazzup!?!   :D

Anyway, all I gotta say about your development tools and stuff is this:  HOLY MUTHERFUCKINGSHIT!  What the fuck are you THINKING?   You know, Darth, I love you and shit, but your development environment is a big piece of stinking shit.  And I think you know that.  So here I am trying to build some business functionality.  But instead of doing that, which would be great - instead - I'm sitting here for an entire mutherfucking weekend figuring out what the goddamnfuck you did to the new IIS7 platform and Visual Studio to completely fuck my project up the ass for three fucking weeks.  Nothing personal, Darth, but you muthfucking SUCK!   Ya know?   So instead of working on my project and getting new stuff on my site, no - instead of that - I'm sitting here trying to debug your dev tools for you.   How fucking fun is that?

But I think you think I'm exaggerating, so let me give you just one fucking stinking piece of shit example so you can know for a goddam fucking FACT that I'm not kidding around here.  

Let's take IIS7.   1) NOTHING in your documentation warns a developer that if you don't purchase the Professional version of Windows 7, that you're completely fucked with that little piece of shit ASP.Net IIS emulator that fucks your site until it bleeds.  For example, why don't you try making a site in Visual Studio 2005 under IIS 6 with relative paths to images.  THEN try upgrading to the latest hot new shit Windows 7 Home Premium.   It offers to let you install IIS7 which is an upgrade, but ok, whatever.  You go right ahead Darth and follow along with me here.  This is going to be fun.  Now, look at the nice little image file in your site referenced with a ~/Image/MyFuckingImage.jpg.   Ok?  Looks fine right?  Ok now click that shiny little green triangle to compile and click to that page.  WOAH!!!>!>!&!!T!  WTF??!!?!   The image isn't there!  Instead you seeing that fun little red 'x' that says "sorry you stupid mutherfucker, but I don't know what fucking file you're looking for".  Uhhuh.  That one.  Yup.

So NOW go to MSDN and beat your fucking helmet against that for three days and see what that gets you.  Oh about 100,389 documents that never fucking mention one goddam word that you're using that insipid piece of shit ASP.Net emulator junk-shit.   Ohhhhhhhhhhhh...  so you have to UPGRADE TO PROFESSIONAL to make it work.  OHHHHH!!!  WELL WHY THE FUCKING HELL DIDN'T ANYTHING IN THE DEATH STAR DOCUMENTATION GIVE YOU A CLUE???  

I think you should ask your people about that.   And that's not all.  Honestly, THAT IS NOT ALL.  In fact the nightmare goes on and on and on and on, trying to upgrade to the HOT NEW PLATFORM.   uh huh.  You should try it yourself and see how much fun you have with it.   Go ahead, its fun.  I promise.

Ok so anyway, that's all for today, Darth.  Thanks for a great set of development tools.  You're the best!

Sincerely, your faithful fan,
Darth Developer

Dear Darth #5

Heyo Darth.  Ok just a quick note today.  

The ongoing nightmare continues, of course.  I know you "have foreseen" all of this, but I'll give you the skinny just in case you missed the shit going on with my computers here somehow. 

Anyway, first off I got a brand spanking new Acer Aspire 7736Z.   Great machine!   Unfortunately, for some reason, after I installed Visual Studio and other development software the display driver decided it was time to do the old Flicker Trick on me.  It was fine before, but now it goes into a variety of different colors, and/or half the screen gets rubbed out with those silly little gray lines and stuff.   Yay!  That's so fun Darth!  Yay!  Thank you!!   It's so great!  Now I can spend another few days trying to figure out what your software did to the display driver!  Woohoo!   This is how I love to spend my time!  How'd you know!?   Oh yeah... that whole Force Vision thingie.  Ok so can you "Foresee" what I'm doing with my middle finger right now?  

Thanks again for all the great work you do!  Please keep it up.  Not enough suicides among the developers quite yet.   Not to worry, I'm sure with a few more releases of the "new and improved" shit, you'll drive all development over seas where incompetent morons of various nationalities can do all of your shining bright development for you, and be driven mad by the defects in your products instead of us.  That will be much better.   Well, a lot cheaper for you, anyway.   So best wishes with your Galactic Conquest and all.   I'll touch base again when something else exciting happens.   Won't be long, I'm pretty sure.

Sincerely, your fan,
Darth Developer

Dear Darth #4

Oh heya Darth, old buddy.  Wazz-up!?   Things here are good, man.  I'm going to do some more work on my computer tonight.  It's great.  I love all this new stuff, like on the interwebs and stuff.  Picasa is great.  Nice and simple, does most of what I want and does it pretty easily and with some flare.  Good job on that.  It's nice.

oh wait.  that was google.  never mind.

So anyway, everything is good, except the stupid fucking goddam fucking *spittle* Windows OS is driving me cracky, as usual.  Man, just once I'd like to get home and use one of my fucking five computers without it vomiting up some goddam waste-of-my-precious-time issue or other.   It's like the worst ongoing drag in the world, man.  I gotta hang in there, yeah, I know, Darth.   We all do.   It's not like there's much choice left out there.  You were just way smart on that one.  No one does all the stuff you do.  But then again, you own the OS, and from there it's not all so hard, is it?   So I guess you're all like, "wow, I like totally rule and shit.  This is Awesome.  I can totally fuck with people's machines and put out shit on a stick and they kinda have to buy it cause everyone else has it.  Nice.  I rock."

It's great and everything that we have all this technology, though.  It really is.  I can do dumb silly stuff and throw it up on the interweb easy.  I can even spell check.  Not bad.  Its really just that all of my computers are at various degrees of totally fucked up.  That's all.  So each evening is spent doing a little work, or some work I didn't intend to do, and filled with the jolly little joys of going to Google (you remember them, right?), to look up the goddamn error codes so I can sit here and spend three fucking hours figuring out what the hell went wrong with some gizmo or activex thingie or driver version, or downloading the service packs six times a week, or whatever.  It's all just become a big old gigantic drag, man. 

Even though in the end, after all that shit, you do finally have something to put online and show to your friends and family.

Look everyone!  Pictures from my vacation!  Yay!!

Sincerely, yer pal,
Darth Developer

Dear Darth #3

Heyo Darth, my man, wazzup n shit?

Dude, I gotta tell you, man that YOU are Da MAN!   Except for inventing Windows, you are the BEST.  Of course you know I don't want to complain an shit because I know how personal you take this shit, but dude, my dude, you totally suck.  Let me tell you why before you fry my ass with your wandy sword force thingie.

So I get home and I have all this shit I wanna do on my computer.  But dude, every fucking time I turn around it's fucking giving me some sort of goddam fucking error message about this, or that, or something, or another thing or something over there and all this fucking SHIT, dude.  And this is you're fucking fault man.  I can't just get home and do some work.  Nooo, that's too fucking much to ask from an overpriced buggy fucking OS, like Windows (whatever the version - every single goddam one of them has a billion fucking bugs).

Nope, so I get home and I want to download a file from my camera and you know kinda play with it and stuff for my blog.  And I get this mutherfucking error when I'm trying upload it to the old hard drive.

My hard disk is full.  WTF?

DUDE!   Can you possibly not waste a fucking half hour of my fucking time by checking to see what the fuck the size of the file is BEFORE you start downloading it so that that the OS can say "HEY STUPID MUTHFUCKER - YOU'RE OUT OF DISK SPACE AND THIS FILE WON'T FUCKING FIT! OK??  YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER THERE AND KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS??  GET A BIGGER FUCKING HARD DRIVE YOU STUPID FUCK!"  and then I could just go order one and be like "damn, that puter had the fucking lock and me and shit - that's badass."   but NO.   Instead your stupid fucking computer with Windows is like "Oh it's like a half hour into the download and woah... gee I forgot to check but dingit all, wouldn't you know I ran out of space.  oh darn.  No, can't be bothered to give you any options, sorry.  Just a stupid fucking error.  here you go." *Vomit Error Message*.

Ok, that's all for now, big guy.  I would go into my rant about how you destroyed the whole fucking planet with your stupid Death Star OS, but what the fuck.  I'm going to try to clear some disk space and see if I can upload that file for my fucking blog.

Keep up the good work there Darth.  No hard feelings.  Just do me a favor and try to suck a little less sometimes, ok?

Thanks!

Your fan,
Darth Developer

Dear Darth #2

Heya Darth,

Woah man, one other thing I though I should let you know about before I head off into cryofreeze for the night.   When I am on yahoo groups with IE 8 this always happens... I get to the page, like email, and it shows everything and the hyperlinks get their underlines and the page looks fine.  I click on the link I want to go to - BUT NO!

THEN the page decides that it wants to load some goddamn fucking graphic advertisement or something and the page jumps down about one line.  SO, what happens is after that pause it then THINKS I clicked the line above the one I actually clicked and then jumps to THAT page instead of the one I wanted.  So now, instead of just having to wait for that godforsaken delay (which it's impossible to tell you even need to wait because you get no indication of that fact) I then have to click on the back arrow to return to the page I want to link from, and then WAIT ... AGAIN ... for it to completely totally 100% finished loading (and you can't tell when it's finished except WOAH AGAIN - LOOKIE IT JUMPED - must be done loading now ... I gggguuuueeeessssss... maaaayyyyyybbbbbeeeee....?!) and THEN I can try to click the original link I wanted and then waaaaiiiittttt some more.   Ya know, Darth old buddy, that just kinda super fucking sucks.  Oh sure sure, I know, it's only a brief delay... but ya know - it happens EVER FUCKING TIME DARTH.   SO what the fuck is up with that?  Huh?  It sucks!  

But anyway, I know you're busy injecting rebel princesses with some sort of wierd truth syrum and stuff so you don't have time to investigate this right now.  That's cool.   I understand.   No problemo.  But when you get a few minutes, would you mind taking that IE 8 Project Manager out back and tearing her leg off or something?  I dunno.   Maybe that's a bit harsh.  How about a finger?   I mean think about it this way Darth - that stupid retarded fucking PM is costing EVERY SINGLE INTERNET USER IN THE FUCKING GALAXY about 5 to 10 seconds per Yahoo Email page click - or something like that.   I don't know the statistics.  That's not really my bag.  But you can imagine if it's happening here to me with IE 8 it's gotta be bumming out a whole LOTTA people out there.  Totally bumming them out, man.  Can you imagine?   They're probably out there dissing you right now and shit.   Ya know?  You can't let that happen, dude.   You should be making an example of that stupid fucking PM so that people don't decide to turn to the Light Side and forget about the Sith Overlard thing and all that.   Otherwise you know that Luke and his light sword thingie might get ya.  You do NOT want that.   So be a man (sort of) and go get that PM.  KK?   Great, I knew I could count on you.   You da BEST!!

See ya on the flip side,
Fav Fan,
Darth Developer

Dear Darth #1

Dear Darth Vendor,

Thank you so much for the Intarwebs and stuff.  You are THE MAN n shit.  Anyway, I've been working with your technologies for about 14 years now and I have to say, bang up job, dude.  The only problem is that I keep getting smashed in the face by idiotic crap that explodes my applications sometimes, unpredictably, when I upgrade something... almost anything actually, in the environment.  And that kinda sucks.  For example, lately I was on IE 6.  It worked fine and I had no complaints with it.  But then YouTube announced that it's obsolete and they insisted I upgrade to IE 8.  Which I dutifully did in the (false) expectation that I'd get an improved experience and better security.  But now, for some unknown (and apparetly completely unknowable, even by your own guru's at the Death Star) reason it wants to "... connecting ..." to something every single time I open IE 8, or even a new tab - even though I deliberately set it to use Blank Page.  So what is it "Connecting" to?  Who the hell knows?  But it takes an extra five to ten seconds to open any tab becase of that. 

Also, it constantly, and I mean CONSTANTLY crashes for no apparent reason, or just hangs.  So then I have to use task manager to kill it.  And half the time it kills not only that instance of IE 8, but also every fucking instance I have open.  So I usually lose work that way.  But just so you know, I have been sending in all of the Crash Reports to the Death Star HQ.  But nothing ever happens, and they never get back to me, or fix it.  It just keeps hanging/crashing all the time.  I'd say like four or five times a day.  Hey that's fun! 

So, anyway, I know your busy crushing the rebels and shit, but when you have some free time over there, could you kindly choke the living shit out of the project manager for IE 8 and have her replaced.  I know you dig that shit, so this is kinda like a bonus request for ya, huh?  Anyway, try to replace her with someone competent this time.  I know, I know... it's hard to find good people.  Yup, yup.  I understand.  Maybe if you like threaten their entire family and every member of their extended family going back like 10 generations (use the time portal from Star Trek) then they might consider doing their job instead of playing mini golf in the office with the secretary... ya know what I mean?   *wink*wink*nod*nod*  ... I mean like, dude, how are we supposed to destroy the rebel alliance when we have to deal with stupid fucking shit like IE 8 crashing all the time?  Its fucking retarded.  Actually, I don't mean to brag, but I almost had that ass kisser Luke right in my cross-hairs yesterday - but guuuueessss what?   IE 8 crashed on me and he got the fuck away!  I mean WTF?!  So anyway, that's all I have for ya today, but I'll write again soon.  Thanks again for all the cool gizmos and shit.  Keep up the good work. 

Sincerely your fan,
Darth Developer